Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
