I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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