She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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