my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
