I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
