So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
