they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
