hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
