The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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