I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
