Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
not ubering you a puppy
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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