The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
