I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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