Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
