everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i black out too much to be "responsible"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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