when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
