i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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