I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
