All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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