If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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