Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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