My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize