i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
