You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
