this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
