I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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