mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
