The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
