We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
