just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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