the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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