i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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