I'm so fucking centered right now
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
