Cold hands, warm shart.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
