Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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