i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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