I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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