i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
