Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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