just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
