Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
