I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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