the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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