Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
