So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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