so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
