So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
