i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
