My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
