Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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