my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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