What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
