At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
