Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
