I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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