Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
