I am puke
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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