1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
