awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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