Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
